opposite of rainbows, puppies, and unicorns.
*4:17 PM@Friday, August 8, 2008
ello. so the name of this post. kinda odd, right? well it.s because I am about to pour my heart and soul on you right now. This may take some courage from me buut it.s what I need to get all of my past into my past. there to stay so it stops coming back and reminding me of how easy it would be to become that person again. Well here is the reason I am doing this::: my grandpa may only have a few more days to live. I feel like I can.t tell Ali anymore because it.s just like a big guilt trip when I explain this stuff, and I would NEVER tell Tori.
So. You maybe wondering what happned in my past that.s so awful? How could this bubbly, random, and spontaneous girl be anything but that? Well. Before you know, I was the undeniably quiet and shy type.. a total dork, nerd whatever you want to call it. Really really really smart. Opposite of what I am today? No this isn.t some stupid wanna be story of the geek turning into the beauty queen. It.s ah. lot deeper than that. I used to be a suicidal.
No kidding. I.m over it now. at least I think I am so don.t feel a ton of sympathy.
Soo when i was younger I didn.t respect myself, didn.t care, felt nothing at all. It was mostly hard when my dad would tell me how I was feeling sorry for my self. But he really didn.t understand. If you understand what I.ve been thru then you.ll know the feeling. It was like bombs exploding inside of you and no matter how fast you ran you couldn.t escape it. It.s was my deepest darkest secret, and I guess it still is. The only people who know about this is Ali, and God. And now you.
I figure anyone who happened to stumble across this post would know but it would.nt mean anything to them. Oh, they.d think, Just some EMO girl talking about how she hates herself. But it.s so not like that. In my past when I had these feelings I could be so bright and bubbly on the outside but so hating and mean to myself on the inside. Before I would be my own most hated person. My own worst enemy. Whatever you want to say. I felt so alone even with a group of great friends around me. I would somehow convince myself they didn.t like me and didn.t want me.
I want to talk about my breakdown. The worst possible point my pre teen body could take. It had been an awful day. I.d felt like NO ONE was on my side. And when I got home, being so upset, I made my parents mad. My dad yelled at me and i decided it was too much to take. I started bawling screaming. I ran outside in what must have been 20 degree weather, with 30 mph winds, and spitting icy rain wearing nothing but shorts, boots, and a hoodie. And i ran as fast as I could, the tears streaming faster than I could control. And there I stood. I stopped right in front of the eletric tower knowing full well that if I touched it-BAM-i would be gone. But God stopped me from doing this. I knew that if I did this to myself God would.nt allow me into his
Kingdom. I just could.nt bring myself to it. And before I could regret my decision my parents came after me, sympathizing with hugs.
I.m sorry I put you thru this. I just felt like telling a part of my story[[trust me this isn.t nearly all]] and just letting my self free. Hopefully I.ll never go back to this girl...the one who.s the Bright colored lollipop on the outside and the dark, twisted licorice on the inside. thanks:]
Labels: :[, depression, fake, good bye, grandpa, my story, painful, secret, sucidal
& I'll always remember what you said, forever."
__________________
